Pajama Bigfoot
by disgruntledwannabe
Summary: A modern au that no one asked for. Joly spots bigfoot in the middle of suburban nowhere. Everyone involved generally considers the experience not worth it. (Includes 95% of the Amis; T for language; cross-posted from AO3; borderline crack; the works)


_A/N: So, I've spent probably almost a year not uploading this bc fanfiction guidelines is all "no chatfics". But people seemed to be getting a kick out of it so I decided to upload it anyway. This is cross-posted from AO3, (and tbh I really recommend reading it there, there are a lot of formatting shenanigans that fanfiction doesn't allow and were tragically erased). It is the spiritual companion to my other Les Mis fic_ "I'll Do Anything". _This does aspire to take place in a larger series, but t_ _he gist of it is Courfeyrac has not met anyone but Combeferre, Feuilly is currently about 3 time zones away from the rest of the Amis to pursue a journalism career, I accidentally forgot Bahorel when I wrote this so he has likewise not met the rest of the Amis yet but_ is _in the same city as Feuilly_ _._

* * *

For reference:

Enjolras – REDLEADER  
Combeferre – moth-ER  
Grantaire – $1000R  
Joly – mr-clean  
Feuilly – 9-5andcounting  
Bossuet – BossTheBoss  
Jehan – rad(ish)  
Eponine – betterthanu  
Cosette – thelark  
Musichetta - chedda

* * *

Eponine has receipts. This is an unacknowledged, yet universal truth that all who know her are inherently aware of. She has screenshots, a lot of them, and she is not picky about which moments of her friends' humiliation she chooses to immortalize. If there is the potential for future drama, or if she believes the event should never be lived down she has likely already backed it up on three separate hard drives. No one is safe.

Joly's cryptid sighting is just one event of many.

* * *

 **mr-clean** has added **$1000R** , **moth-ER** , **9-5andcounting** , **BosstheBoss** , **betterthanu** , **rad(ish)** , and **REDLEADER** to BIGFOOT IS REAL

mr-clean: [attached image] omg guys look!

$1000R: wtf am i looking at?

mr-clean: theres been a bigfoot sighting!

9-5andcounting: joly it is literally 2 in the morning  
i have work in 3 hours  
why

$1000R:  9-5andcounting lol not over here

9-5andcounting: fuck u

rad(ish): Uhhhh, i hate to break this to u joly but…it just looks like a brown/tan blur

mr-clean: its clearly a shaggy monster  
look its even by the woods

moth-ER: the trees that separate murell from the park hardly count as woods joly  
there r houses right there

mr-clean: if its big enough to have a zika-infested mosquito breeding ground its big enough to be woods

9-5andcounting: that thing is bearly a puddle tho?

$1000R: u dont even liv here anymore  
besides  
it could be a monster if u squint and turn ur head

mr-clean: thank u R

betterthanu: who tf ever what are we shouting about?

9-5andcounting: nothing!

moth-ER: Joly thinks he saw bigfoot

9-5andcounting: NOTHING

betterthanu: lol wut

9-5andcounting: G

$1000R: jehan doesnt agree

rad(ish): It just doesnt look like anything is all  
Besides im in that park all the time I think I wouldve seen bigfoot by now

9-5andcounting: give me peace i am begging u

mr-clean:  rad(ish) jehan ur supposed to be on my side

BossTheBoss: don't worry babe i think it looks like bigfoot

mr-clean: 3

$1000R: ok so am i but  BossTheBoss ur super biased tho

rad(ish): ^^^

9-5andcounting: can i go back to sleep now?

betterthanu: no dude whats ur opinion

mr-clean: yeah feuilly what do u think?

9-5andcounting: i think its 2 in the morning

BossTheBoss: come to our side  
we r winning 3 v 2

rad(ish): who else is on my side?

$1000R: lol theres no way ferre thinks its bigfoot

moth-ER: I havent said anything

betterthanu: yah but u and enj r no fun  
btw im on ur side joly

mr-clean: YAY!

BossTheBoss: 4 v 2

moth-ER: Ok no I dont think its bigfoot  
But betterthanu I object to being called no fun  
Enj and I are plenty fun

betterthanu:  rad(ish) srsly tho why arent u on jolys side?

rad(ish): i believe in meditation and yoga  
not bigfoot  
and why r u?

betterthanu: pfft tru bigfoot isnt real  
shit in the pic is 2 tiny 2 b bigfoot nyway

moth-ER: A valid point

$1000R: T8TOR!  betterthanu R

betterthanu: lol suk it R

BossTheBoss: hey  9-5andcounting u fall back asleep?

9-5andcounting: i wish  
my phone keeps buzzing  
i hate u all

betterthanu: u pick a side and we stfu

$1000R: but can we back up tho  
betterthanu ponine why r u 4saking me?  
i thought me&u 4ever?  
why must u betray me this way?

betterthanu: R ur a dramatic asshole

mr-clean: pick a siiiiiiiiiiiiide fueilly

moth-ER:  9-5andcounting its best to just get this over with Feuilly

9-5andcounting: if u think im on your side after u spelled my name wrong think again  
im deleting this app now

 **9-5andcounting** has left the chat

mr-clean: NOOO IM SORRY FEUILLY I DIDNT MEAN TO COME BACK

BossTheBoss: 3 v 4  
this is unacceptable  
i'm calling in reinforcements

 **BossTheBoss** has added **thelark** and **chedda** to BIGFOOT IS REAL

thelark: Hey guys! What's going on? :)

chedda: Bossuet said it was important

mr-clean: musichetta my love!  
and cosette!  
help my cause

chedda: aw babe of course

BossTheBoss: 4 v 4

rad(ish): ok now this is rly cheating  
i protest

moth-ER: Very underhand  BossTheBoss  
Very unfair

$1000R:  BossTheBoss i liek it :))))))

BossTheBoss: no shame

thelark: What are we keeping score of?

mr-clean: [attached image] doesnt this look like bigfoot?  
[attached image] here look i even found a comparison  
[attached image] i photoshopped them side by side!  
its totally bigfoot right here in our very own town im telling you guys

thelark: Um…I don't think that's Bigfoot…

$1000R: no! cosette! dont do this!  
DON'T BELIEVE THEIR LIES THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL BIGFOOT IS OUT THERE AND JOLY IS THE WISTLEBLOWER THIS WORLD NEEDS!

chedda: wow R used actual real spelling and grammar  
despite the capslock i think he's finally graduated middle school

$1000R:  chedda ok ow  
rude  
i can totes spell gud

chedda: i'll believe it when you do it more than twice a month

betterthanu: ice 4 that burn R?

$1000R: u literally hav no rite to tlk

rad(ish): c'mon R we all know u just do it to annoy enj

moth-ER:  thelark where is he anyway? He can't usually ignore the chat for this long

thelark: He's really into summer work right now. It's annoying because I go back to school soon and I won't see him again until winter break.

moth-ER: You've still got a month left

mr-clean: no but he can keep ignoring the chat its ok  
he wont believe and this is a matter of life and death

rad(ish):  thelark you should totally get him here rn immediately

mr-clean: but he wont believe tho

moth-ER: Joly if Bossuet can call Musichetta and Cosette to inflate your score Jehan can call Enjolras

mr-clean: fine

$1000R: momferre

betterthanu: isnt he always

mr-clean: but back to bigfoot tho

chedda: yeah i'm still surprised  thelark you usually love a good mystery

BossTheBoss: its not a mystery dear its bigfoot

rad(ish): the only mystery is who it actually is  
bc it is clearly a person

moth-ER: Oh no what if they're homeless and that's why they r wandering around so late?  
Cosette u need to get Enj

thelark: Wait you guys really can't tell?

mr-clean: of course we can tell  
at least some of us can  
its bigfoot not a homeless man

rad(ish): ok but what if it rly is a homeless person?  
their shelter is on the other side of town

BosstheBoss: mr-clean babe when did you take the photo?

mr-clean: i didnt take it but it was on facebook yesterday

chedda: so they've been here at least one night

$1000R: nothng we can do  
got cops there all nite they were probs arrested by now

rad(ish): and if not?

$1000R: we cant jus make em move if they dnt want 2

thelark: You're all not serious are you?  
You're just kidding?

mr-clean: ok i feel rly bad now it's the rainy season he can get all sorts of sickness being outside in the rain at night how do we help

$1000R: i told u the cops probs got it covered

betterthanu: tbh Rs right u guys  
the houses next 2 murell r the rly nice ones the police r always there making sure no1 is smoking pot at nite  
if he rly is homeless they defs found him by now

thelark: This is hilarious omg. I'm getting Enjolras right now his summer classes can wait.

 **thelark** has left the chat

BossTheBoss: ok why wasnt cosette concerned?

chedda: yeah that wasn't like her at all

rad(ish): shes usually v passionate about helping ppl

betterthanu: i think she knows smth u dont

$1000R: ^^^

BossTheBoss: *we

betterthanu: lol no

REDLEADER: Grantaire did you change my username again?

$1000R: lol no

REDLEADER: Please stop.

$1000R: lol no

REDLEADER: You know what I don't care that much.  
Okay, Cosette came into my room laughing and telling me I had to check the group chat. She's stolen my laptop and won't give it back until you guys tell me what is going on.  
So what's going on?

mr-clean: ok so i saw this on facebook yesterday and i thought it was funny bc bigfoot and i wanted 2 share it with u so i made this chat and we all started arguing on whether or not it was bigfoot nd we brogt in cos and chetta bc jehan ddnt think it was and i wanted more ppl on my sid eand now we think it might be some1 who rly needs help and idk i feel rly guilty

REDLEADER: That doesn't explain why Cosette was laughing.

rad(ish): show him the pic

mr-clean: oh yeah  
[attached image]

REDLEADER: …  
You're not serious are you?

mr-clean: ?  
cosette asked the same thing?

$1000R: r u ok  REDLEADER  
u wrnt replaced by aliens?

moth-ER: Tbh Enjolras i don't understand either…

REDLEADER: Guys that is me.

betterthanu: wait wut?

REDLEADER: Oh my god. Really? Combeferre, I'm by our apartment. That's the blanket from the living room? My favorite one? You've all been to our apartment so you've seen it? R you gave it to me as a graduation gift? We've all been friends for years? Combeferre you live with me? You seriously had no idea? My hair is right there?

betterthanu: lol that explains the tiny  
ur super smol enj

REDLEADER: So I've been told. Repeatedly.

$1000R: omg o d its ur cuddle blanket  
the 1 u use 4 pjs

REDLEADER: Yes? I wore it the other night to rescue moth-ER from his own stupidity. That's likely when the picture was taken.

moth-ER: Ok look...  
1\. I dont deserve this  
2\. I met a cute boy leave me alone

betterthanu: lol pajama bigfoot

mr-clean: omg im gonna go die now omg im so sorry every1

 **mr-clean** has deleted BIGFOOT IS REAL

* * *

 _I had so much fun with this you have no idea. Also: big shoutout to fanfiction for recognizing mr clean as a brand name and forcing me to go and literally insert not only that awkward introductory paragraph but Joly's entire existence in this story. Kudos fanfiction, kudos. I hope you all enjoyed!_


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